A lot of my service this week has been behind the scenes, and speaking vulnerably, it is hard to do work and feel like you are not getting noticed for it. I hate even saying it out loud, but its the truth. It’s a battle in my brain to change my mindset. I know that I am doing it for the Lord, but part of me wants to know that others see the work I am doing too.
This has been a battle in me for a while. I thrive off of doing things for other people. I really do want to help others, but often the battle comes when a thought pops in my head, “Do they appreciate what I am doing? Do others see the hard work I’m putting in for them? Will they thank me for it? Will it be a good enough job for them?” Those thoughts are distractions from the real reason of doing work.
I have read Colossians 3:23 and its reminder of having God be the reason we work hard, and Galatians 1:10 that discuss not doing things for the approval of others, as doing this prevents your from being a servant for Jesus. It becomes the implementation of these verses that is difficult. And I hate that I struggle with it. Sometimes I feel like this is beneath me. That I should be done worrying about something so futile as acknowledgement, yet, it is something I am working through.
This need for approval stems from the idea that I have to work and do things right to be loved and accepted by people. Not just people, but by leaders, my friends, and even the Lord. I committed to myself and to the Lord over this trip that I was going to work through this issue. Sometimes when I make these commitments, I can view it as a hurdle that needs to be jumped over, but I have to intentionally remind myself that this is something I won’t just get over and be done with, but it will be a daily battle that gets easier the closer I get to the Lord.
With this in mind, I have been prayerfully working on this trip reminding myself that I am loved by others, and that this work is for the Lord and the least of these, not for ME. And like I said, it isn’t like I am cured from the thought that I want others to look at me, but I can attest to it getting easier.
The work I did in SLAM Mombasa to coordinate and implement service projects was a testament to it. My first thought in everything I was doing was thinking about how the kids will be impacted. There were fewer times where I was wondering if people knew that I was working hard for them, and more often I was praying for the students going on these projects and asking the Lord to bless the work that I was doing.
Again, there is more in this frame that I am working through, but this is short testimony of reaching out to the Lord, and the Lord responding. I want to be a servant for the Lord, and I know I need to continue to face this challenge head on. The testimonies from the SLAM students were a great reward in itself of the work that we did. many of them testified to the service projects and I had tears in my eyes hearing them say they have been transformed on the other side of hearing God’s word and putting it into action. PTL for everything. HALLELUJAH! AMEENA BABY!