There is a lot that I don’t say out loud. As children we are told in many ways that we shouldn’t speak. Old adages like “children should be seen and not heard.” Or “when you’re older you’ll understand.” The way I think these concepts were meant was to help rash youth control their mouths and respect their elders. The way that I processed these communications was that I shouldn’t share my thoughts unless they were totally collected.
In many ways I haven’t grown out of these mindsets that make me afraid of being wrong or saying something wrong. For the last 5 weeks I have spent every moment with someone right next to me. There is no private time to collect my thoughts and trust me when I say you don’t want to hang out in the bathrooms. It has forced me to give my raw feelings to others, my perceptions that aren’t totally thought out and my unfiltered heartbreak.
I didn’t know how often I live in the past or am focused on the future until I couldn’t do that anymore. Taking every moment as a gift from the Lord and a responsibility to follow whatever direction He gives is a new sensation. It is a more free way to live, but it requires more grace for myself and others than is really comfortable. Living every moment with the direction of the Holy Spirit and focus on the present is my new goal.
The ministry has a soccer league in Kenya. We got to watch them play a game and then took the team to dinner. I got to connect with a young man name Ian who definitely saw me as his meal ticket out of Kenya. I was able to let him know that wouldn’t work out, but continued to talk without missing a beat. He challenged me on some cultural practices and I did the same. While he shared that he was a Christian, he did not know the Bible. I knew the Lord was asking me to encourage him to read the Bible for himself. Don’t set standards on what everyone else thinks, but on God’s word.
It was a moment of ministry that I was able to have through the practice of honesty, presence and dependence on the Spirit. If I was living in my mind then I would have needed to process my feelings about this conversation later. I could not have stayed present with Ian and the Lord in that moment 5 weeks ago. I was grateful for the moment and the skills God has given through this trip.